starmozie

why are you still around? most people would a have run away by now. why do you still need me ? why do i still need you? why do we spend so much time thinking, wondering,questioning things that simply are why are we so stupid? when we we learn just to be, without questions and realize that sometimes we cannot find the answers because they simply dont exist? when will I stop being scared? when will you?

hey you. i liked our talk last night.. i actually didnt go today to apply for jobs because the kids were home from school. so i did my tire thing then i realized that i should make a cv of sorts before i go knocking on doors, so maybe i can come and use your computer? i spoke to bell and they insist that the computer belongs to mario.so now what? he wants me to pay him, but with what?that prostitution thing is beginning to look good.Tomorrow i will go talk to the restaurants around here but if i want to make money i need to be in cowansville probably.you still didnt read my mail from pof. its not worth savoring anyway. my last letter i sent to your e mail. tonight i brought the girls up to jump on georges trampoline and so he could show off his new van. we ate ice cream . it was fun.i am sleepy now. i would like you to call if you dont get in too late. dont tell anyone, but i like talking to you on the phone..probably cause we never see each other. well that could be a good thing. not really, but at least we wont get sick of each other, i like the idea of what yuo said. its what ive been trying to tell you. lets work on our frienship first, i dont know what will happen tomorrow or a year from now. maybe love, maybe not. i am not thinking that far ahead, i am just trying to enjoy every day. and savor every moment we have..if we do that then everything else will work out. even the sex thing.I am good like this. its all i need from you right now. I dont want to push anything. I need me time. and family time. Having a friend arounnd to hang with or watch a movie or go dancing with and music is perfect. like i said i dont know what will happen, I have insights but i dont know everythig.i do want to take care of you sommetimes. i cant help it i am a caretaker. its what i do.

would be nice to see each other sometimes though. i know you are so busy enjoying your free time that you have no time for anythinng. that is ok. you need to do that.be at home , garden, whatever, no agenda, no schedules, dont shave if yooou dont want, you can run around in ppjs all day if you want. good for you.enjoy it while you can.Im not going anywhereei cant afford to I am not going on pof anymore.... I think if you are very very lucky you can meet someone special, but i think that one is the limit. and even that is pushing it. I got what i need from that sight. i met you. I am not pushing my luck. I dont have time to cultivate more than one friendship at a time. i have a good circle of friends and my family is together again and i have a new friend whom i cherish deeply. What else do i need? How much more blessed can I be?

i am off tomorrow and then monday and tuesday. maelle has her dance recital sat, tomorroe she id sleeping out. can we see each other maybe? Ball is in your court now, you. i have to go now cause george is throwing me out. call me in the morning or email mme. luv mar

hey cutie. wow i am mean arent i I feel so bad after we had such a nice talk tonight. i have to let you know that i sent that last message before you called me this morning.now i just feel bad. you are having a bad day, your fat girlfriend broke up with you and you are beginning to realize hoe stupid this whole thing is. reality check! then again, we met on here, didnt we? ok in all fairness the goddess set it up. and if there had been no internet we would have met anothe r way.I think it is possible to meet someone online, just not always who you expect.and sometimes we are given the chance to get to know someone and we dont take it. I am sorry you are sad today. welcome to my life every time i meet someone these days,it doesnt work. thjere is something about me that scares guys off. every time. Now i have to think why?What kind of vibe am i giving? why is it every man i meet is not interested? Now i know I am cute. I know you think im cute. I know they all think im cute. but what is it? i think i have to figure out that one before i try any more romance. i think when i can completely love myself, then i will find love.I think, no I know it is the same for you.You need to love yourself first. and dont give me that crap! i have been around you when you are drunk and spewing about your childhood and your dad and you crazy mom. I know , i feel what you feel. i am an empath. you cannot lie to me. besides our frienship is weird. I dont remember feeling this close to someone this fast before. well i did anyway. untill you started standing me up all the time!now im not so sure. ok i lied. I am sure. i have insights that you do not have. I dont alwaays want them, i dont always want to fulfill my destiny. sometimes it hurts. often it hurts,. but I am still here as are you. I hate you one minute and you are angry with me. and we coulsd say/. hey, i have only met this person 3 months ago, why dont i just tell them to fuck off? or go punch them in the nose? Why are we so connected?Emotions are strong and run deep. why? why do we continue to be friends? I think the goddess is not done with me yet as far as you are concerned. I think she knows we need each other. i know you need to be loved. we both do. i waited 17 years for someone to love me, i guess i can wait a bit longer. when the time is right, when we least expect it, it will hit us and wow. it will be amazing!. But not if we seek it, not if we pine for it. not if we search all of cyberspace for it. i told you before. Love will happen when you least expect it,with someone you dont expect. dont ask me how i know, i just do, trust me.The woman who loves you will not care that you drink too much. she will not care that you have a beer belly. she will lie in bed and listen to you snore , and she will snuggle up to you and fall asleep . She might count how many seconds it takes before you start breathing again(I COUNTED 12) , her heart beating just a bit too fast, worried that you wont and sigh with relief when you take that noisy breath that means you will go on loving her another day. she will do things for you just because she can and never asking anything inreturn. She will rejoice in every little thing you do. She will patiently peel back all the layers of pain and hurt and she will see the light that shines in your soul.And she will love you because of it. and she will be blessed

hi. have a good day. be good in montreal and no driving home drunk.did you say your friend was graduating? from what, high school? kidding. sorry. yesterday at work i wrote about 7 pages of crap again. i dont know if i want to share it with you. i am tired . i i think that you are just the outlet for my thoghts. or my messages. i am sent these insights and iwrite them down and then what? they are useless if i dont share them. so i share them with you. i think sometimes you should pay me for my advice. hey theres an idea. you can pay me. but with what? I wish i could find a way to make your penis work. maybe one day when you least expect it. i think i am insisting because i feel it is safe with you. i can be myself, you are not going to try to control me. i dont care what you do, you dont care what i do. on paper friends with privilages is a great idea. perfect. oh well. but you still have fingers and a tongue, you know. ok now ive gone too far. you are going to run away again. i dont get why its so hard for you. friends. with privilages. simple easy. . oh well. ill take you without privilages too. i just like hanging out with you. and i am finding it easier to talk to you now that there is no pressure . it was really sweet of you last week to buy toothpaste for me with no gluten. i was touched. really. i think i am going to go off that sight. i know i say that and then i am on anyway. like i said i dont think any long distance relationship would work. i think for both of us this is not the time to fall in love. there is so much going on in both our lives. i think that was the main problem with us. our subconcoius knows its not a good idea . you have so much shit to deal with as do i. a girlfriend or boyfriend would just complicate things. how do you have a relationship with someone when you dont know what is going to happen tommorrow? i might move to montreal. you might move to mexico. you need to figure out what you are going to do for money(there is always the pot thing)i need to do that too. i think if we can figure out this frienship thing of ours, we are going to have a great time together. we need to go out sometimes though. in public luv

thank you. luv mar

MATT HAS BEEN HERE LESS THAN A WEEK. AND I WANT TO THROW HIM OUT. MARIO ONT LEAVE ME ALONE AND I STILL BELIEVE EVERYTHING HE SAYS TO ME.I COULD REALLY USE A HUG, OH YEAH I HAVE NO FRIENDS EITHER.i guess i will have to hug myself. this day is finally over. i hope your mom is doing ok. you sounded really worried. since we never get to see each other i am sending you a virtual hug. maybe that will help. i am nor working tomorrow, i am going to meet christopher in montreal. hope this meeting is better than the last one. he goes back to toronto tomorrow. we hav e a lot of catching up to do. i cant believe how far we have come since the days at foufouns and jaggers, living in a roach infested hole, heroin, shooting coke(hiM) i still have the scars from that life. litrrally. and now look at us, well ok look at him. I am still fucked up. ok not that fucked up. i am fulfilling my destiny, as is he. its just that his is more glamourous and pays better. he is not interested in me either, funny none of the good ones are. i dont care. maybe he has a hot doctor friend for me. yeah right, i cant even get an unemployed alchoholic interested in me. ok not funny. i promisd i would stop. matt broke my phone. he goes to work and comes home and drinks beer all night, hey that sounds like you! except for the working part of course. i am being mean tonight. so punish me. oh yeah i forgot you are too scared to punish me.i hear viagra works well for that. gee what is with me tonight? im so sorry. it must be the music i am listening to. maybe the fact that i am being coerced into giving up half the custody of my kids cause i cant afford a lawyer,hey i cant afford a phone!i am tired of buying new phones all the time. shit that bugs me. this music is really angst inducing. i think i will go out and beat the shit out of someone. or maybe i will wait and go out this weekend wanna come? oops ther i go again. kidding really pleasr dont take me seriously tonight. it is so easy to be like that in a letter. too bad we cant be like that in reality. maybe i could, but i have to be angry. future prophesies good music, makes me want to run.. i would tell you to call me, but i have no phone. so have a good one,you and i will try to call you whenever.come by the house when you have a chance. dont worry i dont bite. wasnt that funny?

wow you seemed really bummed last night. i hope everything id ok. i will try not to send anymore stupid letters for a while. sometimes i go too far. i want you to call me pleasr tonight. when you get back. you are the one that called me back, you know. i kinda do need your truck, but i need you more. friends, remember?