Peace with AIDS

Since the early 80's, I have known many people who have both lived and died with HIV/AIDS. Working in the Broadway theater at the onset of the epidemic gave me a unique view of the effect of the virus within an industrial microcosm.

In general, those I knew and know who have had or have HIV/AIDS respond in one of two ways. Either they deplore both the disease and themselves becoming bitter, hurt and hurting people, or they use their diagnoses as a springboard for personal transformation.

I once had a friend describe an experience of mine as “the best worst thing that ever happened to you.” An HIV/AIDS diagnosis carries the same blessing curse, or cursed blessing, take your pick.

In the beginning of the snowballing crisis, the hunt was on for acronyms to encapsulate both the disease and its experience. Early on, people who had seroconverted were known as PWAs—people with AIDS. Soon after that, someone wise—maybe Larry Kramer?—altered the acronym to PLWAs. People living with AIDS. What a difference an L makes!

I have a friend who has been living with HIV/AIDS for more than 20 years. In that time, he has had various crises but he has kept his eye on his long-term goal which was to become peaceful in the face of HIV/AIDS. Peaceful in the immune system crises. Peaceful in the face of “good” numbers, and peaceful in the face of “bad” numbers. And, peaceful in the face of the opinions of all and sundry.

He found, as he focused on creating peace for himself with his syndrome, that the one thing he had to face and vanquish before anything else was fear. Writing it like this, it seems so simple, but in truth, there were so many facets to the fear that he spent almost all of his two decades, as he dealt with the ins and outs of his own care, excavating and healing fear of one sort or another.

Here are some of those aspects named: fear of death, of course; fear of living and being ill; fear of living and surviving when others were and are dying; fear of sex; fear of his own homophobia; fear of what other people would think; fear of the AMA and their oft-times toxic solutions and even more their dreadful reliance upon statistics; fear of his parents finding out and disowning him; fear of his own self-loathing; fear of never having a lover again. The list, as my friend discovered, was endless until one day he woke up in a sea of serenity.

That day he spoke to me and said, “HIV/AIDS is the best thing that ever happened to me. I am finally fearless.”

And so he is. You see, what my friend did was let into consciousness, look at, and heal each facet of his fear. I have never known anyone as fearless as he is. Never. Nothing daunts him. Not only that, but now that he has faced and conquered his fear, he has changed his long-term goal around his diagnosis. Now his goal is to give others an experience of fearlessness around HIV/AIDS. His message?

HIV/AIDS isn’t a death sentence, it’s a life sentence.

P.S. I am aware that my friend has a distinct advantage. He lives in a Western nation that makes available the pharmaceutical cocktails which have allowed him to live well despite his sero-status. I am also aware that others with the disease live in circumstances that are far more dire.

Visit Susan Corso’s spiritual blog or subscribe to Seeds at www.susancorso.com.